Family Life

Dawn Reed

This is the time of the year when I am filled with regret. Not for things I’ve done, but things I’ve EATEN!

As swimsuit season draws ever closer, I remember all the Tater Tots, French fries and tortilla chips I ate all the other seasons of the year! (I’m a carb lover.)

While others Zuma-ed and aerobic-ed, I chowed down on Mexican food. While they did lunges, I was lunging chips in guacamole. When they were doing pull ups, I was pulling up to the table again and again. They did chin ups but I was just adding chins.

So now, if I don’t change my ways quick, I’ll be looking for a moomoo to wear to the beach! (It’s also spelled muumuu. I had to look it up on the internet. I figured if I was going to be wearing one, I should be able to spell it!)

I’ve tried to cover stuff up all winter and spring, layering and tucking in. Now, it’s time to throw caution and clothing to the wind in broad daylight, wearing the equivalent of underwear out in front of God and everybody! Whew!

If I looked like Cindy Crawford it would be different. She still looks fab at 49. While only three years older…me? Not so much. I look like I’ve been putting away the Tater Tots, French fries and tortilla chips. I’m pretty sure Cindy Crawford doesn’t eat a lot of carbs.

Finding the right bathing suit is tough. I need something knee-length, to tell you the truth. When I was younger, I always wanted dimples-but IN MY FACE!!! My thighs look like I got caught in a hail storm, for the love! Thank goodness there are all kinds of scarfy skirts and cover ups you can get to conceal all the bare skin. (Sometimes they look cooler in the catalogs.) Many suits have panels to squeeze parts in, but that usually just squirts it out somewhere else.

In the sun, beach hats look so stylish on everybody else. I look stupid in a hat. I see older women in hats and big jewelry-big earrings, bracelets and even necklaces! Don’t they get HOT?! I have always wanted to ask but wouldn’t dare. What about belly button rings and other piercings?! Do they warm as the temperature goes up? Geez, oh Pete!

I don’t care what everybody else looks like-seriously. It’s the woman who’s looking at me in the mirror and she keeps getting bigger and bigger! My problem is that I don’t want to do anything differently. I do exercise…a little. At least four days a week I walk or use the elliptical to keep my new hip in working order. I don’t add anything else or increase my exercise time. I blame my metabolism, age and genetics, but really I know I need to work harder. Occasionally, I do different exercises, feel wonderfully, deliciously sore for a couple of days promising myself I will have a new routine but never do it again. I must be INSANE! Actually, Albert Einstein said insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. It’s true! I’m pretty sure he was thin.

The older my beloved gets, the worse his vision gets. The worse his vision gets, the better I look. With his eyes now, he thinks I’m beautiful-praise the Lord. He’s always encouraging me saying I’ve never looked better. A few days ago I was saying my usual “I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained” spiel. I poked at the overhang above my jeans. I could tell by the look on his face that he was looking for the right thing to say. Suddenly he asked, “What’s the cool thing they call that?”

I was bewildered. “Hunh?” I made a face.

“You know…it’s something about a muffin…” he continued.

“A muffin top?!” I asked, horrified.

“Yes! That’s it!” He was so glad we had figured it out. “I LOVE muffins!” he finished with a big smile. We both cracked up.

How could I be upset? It was so funny and we DO love muffins! They’re CARBS!!!

I bet Cindy Crawford doesn’t eat muffins.

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